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Here is our prime piece of evidence. The perpetrator dropped this entire sunflower head as he fled with Chester in high speed pursuit. Observe how this sunflower has tell-tale squirrel bite marks where it was literally sheared off the top of its stem. It also reeks of squirrel paws. Grrrrrrrr! I’m sure DNA testing will confirm my finding.
This is a crisis my colleague and I have spent our entire careers preparing for. You can rest assured we will not give up until this miscreant has been caught and prosecuted for his crime against our homeland. While I am guarding the pear tree from further theft, Chester has been carefully combing every inch of the yard to discover exactly where this evil thug unlawfully crossed our border, and pinpoint his escape route. Chester has already noted a trail of sunflower petals leading from the damaged plant to the fence on the south side of the yard. As of now, Chester is checking every single tree to be sure this dastardly criminal has left the premises and never returns.
It looks like we’ll have a busy day of surveillance and forensic analysis ahead of us. I will be sure to keep you informed as this story unfolds. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.