Friday, July 26, 2013

Fast Breaking News Alert



We interrupt your program for this important news bulletin.
This is an urgent public service announcement from the Department of Homeland Security. I’m your trusty guard doggie, Special Agent Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens, reporting from the scene of the crime. The evil Squirrel Cartel has struck again, and this time they’ve hit an all time low. One of these bushy-tailed criminals was spotted stealing sunflowers right out of our back yard! This serious felony will not go unpunished, I can tell you that. My colleague, and faithful public servant, Special Agent Chester L. W. Stephens is already diligently gathering evidence.


Here is our prime piece of evidence. The perpetrator dropped this entire sunflower head as he fled with Chester in high speed pursuit. Observe how this sunflower has tell-tale squirrel bite marks where it was literally sheared off the top of its stem. It also reeks of squirrel paws. Grrrrrrrr! I’m sure DNA testing will confirm my finding.


This is a crisis my colleague and I have spent our entire careers preparing for. You can rest assured we will not give up until this miscreant has been caught and prosecuted for his crime against our homeland. While I am guarding the pear tree from further theft, Chester has been carefully combing every inch of the yard to discover exactly where this evil thug unlawfully crossed our border, and pinpoint his escape route. Chester has already noted a trail of sunflower petals leading from the damaged plant to the fence on the south side of the yard. As of now, Chester is checking every single tree to be sure this dastardly criminal has left the premises and never returns.


It looks like we’ll have a busy day of surveillance and forensic analysis ahead of us. I will be sure to keep you informed as this story unfolds. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Squeaky Toys in Outer Space

Squeaky toys on other planets? Really?

Greetings everyone! This is The Daily Bone, and I am your humble, terrestrial doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens. I have an awesome and exciting topic for today's discussion: space travel and alien technology.

Today my humans went away on a trip to visit our favorite miniature human, Ryan, on his home planet. My fellow Earthling Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I would have gone along, but you know how we feel about riding in the car. Yikes! No, we had to sit at home all afternoon guarding the house and howling pitifully while our humans were gone. Boy, were we worried! But fortunately they returned before it got dark.




They brought us a photo of Ryan in his brand new high tech intergalactic space ship. Wow! Upon close inspection of this photo, I noticed the ship’s name is Bob. I kid you not! Just look at this photo and you’ll see for yourself. Well, that’ll be easy to remember. You’ll also notice that Ryan is being a good boy and studying the instructions. One cannot be too careful when traveling at warp speed. Apparently the Bob transportation module can also function as a land rover type vehicle. For example, a full size human can go for a run and push Bob along the path with Ryan riding on board in cloud-like comfort because of the big soft wheels and complex suspension system. All he has to do is sit back and enjoy the scenery. There is even enough room on there to bring along an ample supply of his favorite squeaky toys and yum yums! Maybe I can go along on that kind of journey, since it won’t involve getting into a car. In fact, Joey dog and I agree that it would be wonderful to run along with Bob and Ryan and explore planet Earth.

Oh, and according to additional reports on today’s expedition, it seems Ryan’s home planet is full of fantastic toys of all kinds: plastic rattles, blankets, pillows, squeaky toys, and rings full of different colored objects. Then there are fuzzy creatures that not only squeak, but tell you a story, play music, and recite poetry. I would love to take one of those toys apart and find out what’s inside it, you know, like an alien autopsy. I mean, it would benefit the future advancement of squeaky toy technology everywhere! I might even consider getting into a car just to have a chance to go to Ryan’s planet and see all the wonderful toys myself! And that’s a memo.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Loopy Politics, Pork Chops, and Squeaky Toys

Hello everybody. This is The Daily Bone, and I'm your humble and confused doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party. Remember, squeaky toys will save the world. Squeaky toys. Got that? Squeaky toys.

Once again politics has thrown me for a loop. Several loops, actually. The fighting between the Democrats and the Republicans goes on and on and nothing gets accomplished. It seems all they care about is how to get more votes in the next election. The humans have invented a gigantic mess for themselves, and they aren’t listening to any of my good ideas, or common sense even. I give up. The Squeaky Party has gone home.

Pork barrel spending. It took me a while to figure out what this is. I used to think it had something to do with bacon or sausages or barbecue ribs. Doesn’t Congress have more important things to do than decide if they want a ham or a bologna sandwich for lunch today? But really it’s kind of like bribery. Each politician will vote for a bill only if there is something in it for him and his own district, like money to build a statue of himself, or a bullet train to nowhere, or a bridge or a road or something. By the time everybody votes, the bill will have so much pork that it will collapse under it’s own weight and no one will be able to understand it. There must be a better way to do things. Bills ought to have to do with right and wrong without the hotdogs and sauerkraut!
 
Say, what ever happened to the Sequester? Has everybody forgotten about it? Wow, planes are falling out of the sky, just like the president said they would. Yet he spent a hundred million dollars flying around Africa—in a plane of all things!—promising to give out even more of our hard earned money. It certainly doesn’t seem like he is curbing spending in any discernible way. I think I’ll just keep sequestering my squeaky toys in preparation for the inevitable disaster, and hope an airplane doesn’t fall on me! Oh, by the way, I decided I wasn’t going to spend any more time worrying about sorting out all my squeaky toys that someone tied together. I’ll just consider it consolidation of my assets. Hopefully they won’t get sucked into that big, bottomless debt hole.

What’s up with the “nuclear option?” It seems to be the new buzz word. I thought everyone was against nuclear weapons, and nuclear power too for that matter. Now someone wants to blow up a bomb in Washington? Maybe I’d better start watching those end of the world (again) movies and try to figure out how to survive this scenario. But you know, maybe blowing up Washington might not be such a bad idea. (Perhaps those movies are really comedies!) I wish for once, somebody would use my great idea of filling those nuclear bombs with squeaky toys. Imagine that: politicians and a squeaky toy bomb. Squeaky toys and politics. Politics and squeaky toys. And squeaky toys. Squeaky toys. Wonderful, fun squeaky toys. And that's a memo.  


Sunday, July 14, 2013

SNIPS, SNAILS AND PUPPY DOG TAILS


Welcome to our back yard where there's lots of stuff to sniff.
Good evening loyal viewers. This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens. Peace and squeaky toys to all!

Well, we had another visit with our favorite small human, Ryan. He has gotten so big that his feet are now sticking out of the bottom of his interstellar space ship. Maybe he’ll consider giving it to me when finally outgrows it. I found out that this device is actually called a baby car carrier seat. You strap it into a car and it will protect him if the car crashes. I've had a few experiences with riding in a car. Most of the time it takes us to the vet for shots, ear cleaning, or possibly a bath and a haircut from Miss Jacquie. Usually my colleague Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens and I spend the entire trip cowering in the back seat, worrying about impending doom. I don’t think a special carrier device would change our minds, now that I think about it. So I guess Ryan can keep his traveling device when he outgrows it. I think the best defense against getting destroyed in a car crash is not to get in a car in the first place!

After dinner, we went outside to the back yard where Ryan tested out the grass with his little baby feet. (I still think his ears are fun to sniff.) Wow, look how he can stand up with his Dad’s help. Pretty soon he’ll be crawling and walking. That will be a lot of fun! Joey dog and I would gladly show him around the yard and point out all the wonderful attractions. First there is the compost pile. Joey dog says that if you’re lucky you'll find a moldy pepper, or a pineapple core full of fruit flies. Yum. Then we’ll have to show him all the pee spots, and teach him how to examine them carefully. There are lots of interesting bugs and spiders under the bushes, and bumblebees too. Pretty soon it will be time for all the slugs and snails to come out and make slime trails in the garden. Hooray! He must be sure to explore the edges of the foundation where those sneaky mousies go, and then look for the giant toad who lives under the ramp to the shed. Don’t forget to look behind the air conditioner unit too, and trample through the chives and lavender. Oh, and we’ll show him the trees where those evil squirrels and chipmunks go, and the piles of bird poop and seeds under the feeders. If we’re really lucky, we’ll find a dead worm to roll on. And if it’s rainy out, there will be lots of glorious mud to stomp through! Doesn’t that sound like fun? We doggies can’t wait! And that's a memo.

Look Ryan! You can eat pears right off the tree!
There'll be slugs here soon. I can hear them munching on leaves already.
Mr. Toad lives under here.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Working is Good

Hi. Good hide-out for an ambush, eh?
 Hello and welcome to The Daily Bone. I’m your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens, chairman of the Squeaky Party.

(I am not rotund! I’m robust. I need to be that way so I can fight the forces of evil and chaos.)

Now I’ll get to the main subject. Our country has a debt of over seventeen trillion dollars. I don’t think my doggie brain can even imagine that much of anything, let alone money! However, if you think about that debt as a hole, you begin to feel the danger. Falling down a deep hole is bad for your health. Some people say it’s not important, and it’ll get filled eventually. Why do I not feel very confident about that happening? No matter how hard you try to ignore it, a hole is still a hole, and if you fall into it, you’ll get a boo boo. 

There are no holes at my house. Do you know why? Because we all work! As a matter of fact, I work very hard keeping the house and property safe from invaders like the evil Squirrel Cartel, and those weirdo trick-or-treaters. I am a homeland security expert! Even when I’m sleeping, I’m listening to make sure no one is trying to break into the house. My learned companion, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens also works hard, barking, chasing squirrels, and picking up any food our humans accidentally drop on the floor, even though he is reaching retirement age. He says he likes to work, and expects to work until he dies. In fact, he is occasionally a bit overzealous when it comes to work that is related to yum yums, like the time he ate all the cauliflower leaves in the compost pile. We don’t talk about that much. Apparently, after that, he had an air about him for a few days that our humans didn’t like very much. But he taught me everything I know about working hard and being a good doggie, although I don’t think I’d ever want to eat that many cauliflower leaves. Whenever I take a walk, I hear other doggies barking all over the neighborhood, proudly doing their work, and receiving yum yums and squeaky toys as pay. It’s a good, honest arrangement. Work is good. Everyone should work. Working pays the bills. Get that? Work hard, get paid, pay bills, save whatever is left for the future. Holes are bad. And that’s a memo.
Multi tasking: keeping an ear out for invaders at the door while sleeping.
Mousie patrol. I found a suspicious tunnel here … hmmm.
Guarding the pear tree from evil squirrels.
More detective work. Chipmunks maybe? 

Monday, July 8, 2013

I Have No Idea What I'm Doing!

I know what I'm doing!

Unlike those guys on the web address below, I know exactly what I'm doing! Writing The Daily Bone!

 http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/32-dogs-who-are-completely-in-over-their-heads

Serious Business


Doggie Chief Inspector, Comestibles Division, and Yum Yum Guru
Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.

Greetings loyal fans! This is The Daily Bone, and I’m your erstwhile doggie host, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens, founder of the local Yum Yum Coalition, where food is very serious business. I’m filling in for Chester L. W. Stephens again—not that he needs much more filling. But this time we agreed that since I have the most experience regarding all things edible, I should do today’s TDB.

Fancy dog food. Why? It has little bits that look like vegetables and a fancy name like Tuscan style. Again, why? Doggies aren’t fussy eaters. In fact you can go to shameddog.com and find out all the strange things doggies eat. Doggies do fine eating regular dry doggie food (AKA crunchy meatballs.) If you think your doggie craves variety, give him your leftover broccoli, carrots, rice, potatoes, green beans, peas, asparagus, noodles, fruit, cauliflower, salad, tomatoes, cabbage, peanut butter, fish, chicken, eggs, meat, parsnips, rutabagas, um, toast, bratwurst, pop tarts … ah … wait a minute. This list is getting a little too long. How about the foods doggies should never eat? Chocolate, garlic, onions, grapes, raisins, and artificial sweeteners. Oh, and you can skip the citrus fruit, celery and shell fish because doggies don't like that stuff. Blah!

So, when should you feed your doggie and how much? Usually the dog food package will have guidelines that go according to the weight of your doggie. Some people argue it’s best to have scheduled doggie meal times, and give the exact amount of food listed on the package. Others, like our humans, like to leave a bowl of dry doggie food available at all times. I think this depends on how your doggie eats. If he will wolf down whatever food is available without stopping when he’s full, then scheduled times and measured amounts are best. If your doggie is like me, just leave it out and I’ll eat when I’m hungry. I have maintained my trim figure for over ten years like that. Chester, on the other hand, tends to overeat and has become portly. My wayward student still hasn’t mastered the art of waiting until the humans are done with their meal and all leftovers have been accounted for, before eating the doggie food. But I’ll keep working on him. Here’s a photo of us practicing the proper food watching stance. Note his over sized backside. He’s still not taking things seriously enough as evidenced by his clownish expression. As I’ve said before, yum yums are serious business. And that’s a memo.

Tsk tsk. Bad technique.
Serious, serious business. So what are you going to do with that apple core?
Food watch fail. Notice how Chester is off to the side where the human can't see him,
and he is not in proper food watching stance. I, however, am in the proper sitting stance,
with my eye on the food at all times.
Food watch fail. Big time! A well behaved doggie never tries to steal food off the counter!
Maximum fail. Obtrusive begging never wins you a tasty morsel.
How does Chester maintain his rotund shape if his food watching techniques are so bad?
The world may never know.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Great Doggie Video!


Hooray! A howling good time!
Hooray!!! A video starring not only doggies, but our favorite Cantonese singer Jun Kung! This video is approved by the Squeaky Party AND the Yum Yum Coalition because it features food, and toys! See link below. Hooray hooray!

Yum yum!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjUYVBKQyAc

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Miss Ginger

Miss Ginger in her sunny spot.
Good afternoon. This is The Daily Bone. I am your humble doggie host, Chester L. W. Stephens. With me is my esteemed colleague, Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens.

Today we'd like to take a few moments to remember our dear friend Miss Ginger who went to doggie heaven in July of 2010. Ginger was completely blind by the time I came to this home as a puppy. But she was still full of spunk and never let her blindness stop her from exploring and patrolling the back yard for invading squirrels and other creatures. She especially loved chasing bunnies. She was a good watchdog, and always interrogated visitors thoroughly before declaring them acceptable company. In true cocker spaniel spirit she followed our humans everywhere, and was interested in everything they did. At dinner time she would sing to announce the commencement of food watching, and enjoyed yum yums of every kind. She led the way on walks and wasn't afraid of scary noisy thunderstorms.

We miss you Princess Poo Poo!




Tuesday, July 2, 2013

I Spy. Oh My!




Hello again. I’m your humble, omnivorous doggie host, DCI (Doggie Chief Inspector, Comestibles Division) Joseph (Joey dog) Stephens, founder of the Yum Yum Coalition, and still your best defense against food fraud, waste, abuse, and spoilage. This is another edition of The Daily Bone. My esteemed colleague, Special Agent in Training Chester L. W. Stephens has decided to take another day off. (Probably because he’s too obsessed with his tangled squeaky toy conundrum to think of a good report.)

It seems that the big topic on the news these days is spying. Wow, what a commotion about this! We have recently found out that our own NSA is routinely collecting our phone calls. This is being done in hopes to foil any terrorist activity from being perpetrated on our citizens. To this I say: what EVer. Just don’t say anything terror-related and be glad that someone is concerned enough about your safety. We’ve also learned that our email communications might subject to such scrutiny, as if everyone didn’t know there is no privacy on the internet. Duh. Now other countries are getting concerned that our country might be spying on them too. Never mind that they spy on us just as much!

It used to be that spying was a fine art, glamorized, admired, and the subject of many exciting, books, television shows, and block buster movies. Spying has been used for ages to prevent lots of evil deeds from being committed. As long as the humans insist on doing bad things to each other, there will always be a need for spying.

Of course, I cannot conclude this edition without saying a thing or two about yum yums. I believe that yum yums might be an answer to all the malcontent in the world today. If everyone had enough to eat, there might not be so much anger and contempt, and everyone will get along better. Chester has mentioned that we should commence bombing of North Korea as soon as possible, and that the bombs should be filled with squeaky toys. Add to that lunch boxes with a peanut butter sandwich, an apple, some carrot sticks, and a sugar cookie, plus a picture of your favorite food watching canine. And that’s a memo.

I spy with my little eyes … yum yum, maybe?

The Zen of Food Watching


Yum.
Good evening. This is The Daily Bone and I’m your humble doggie host Joseph (Joey dog ) Stephens filling in for Chester L. W. Stephens, who couldn’t think of anything to write about tonight.

The subject today is food. As founder of the local Yum Yum Coalition, I believe food is the most important thing in the world, although my squeaky toy obsessed associate might disagree. You can’t eat squeaky toys, however much Chester might say to the contrary. They are obviously not digestible, as evidenced by doggie poops containing brightly colored bits of squeaky toy fuzz that appear regularly in the back yard. Knowing this, I still can't figure out how he has managed to become several pounds overweight!

Our humans spend a great deal of time shopping for, preparing, and eating food. It has always been my job to make sure none of it goes to waste. I’m continually scanning for food that has fallen to the floor. I also dutifully remind my humans whenever there is unattended food on the counter. Heaven knows what would happen to it if left by itself.

I monitor what goes into the compost pile too. I don’t understand why my humans would throw perfectly good vegetable peels, wilted cabbage leaves, and apple cores in there. I usually eat anything like that so it doesn’t attract invaders from the Bunny Militia, or miscreant Mousies. I made the mistake of trying to eat a moldy jalapeno the other day, but mostly I have no ill effects from compost goodies except for a bit of gas. Everybody should start a compost pile. It’s helps the environment, and creates good dirt in which you can grow more yum yums!

I am still tutoring my distraction prone associate, Chester, the proper art of food watching. He shows a lot of interest, but doesn’t always keep his mind on his work. He has been know to bolt outside to pursue squirrels or other criminals while there is food on the table. He obviously has his priorities mixed up. He doesn’t assume the proper sitting position while food watching, and has even been caught sleeping on the job! He has a lot to learn about manners too. The well behaved doggie never jumps up to sniff the food without permission, and never barks or grumbles when treats are not provided immediately as a reward for his zen-like self control. You have a lot to learn, grasshopper. And that’s a memo.